Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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