I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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