So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
accomplished twins. life is a go
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
