Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
