I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
