i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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