From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
