i love accidental penises.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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