you would pick up someone in the library
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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