So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
