Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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