I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Is it penis luge time yet?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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