i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
