I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
