Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
