He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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