Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
