you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I think my moral compass just broke
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