i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
