We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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