found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
