70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
