i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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