do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Randomize
