Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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