so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
