totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
