Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
