I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
