if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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