Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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