Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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