I accidentally burped into my bong.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize