My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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