the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
