for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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