if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
