if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
