I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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