I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
