Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Randomize
