Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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