nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
