the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
