You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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