His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
