I feel like abortions should bother me more
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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