bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
