i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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