we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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