If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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