She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
