My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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