You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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