life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
