false alarm. still invincible.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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