I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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